Acceptance as Freedom

On having Big Quit Energy without literally quitting

It feels selfish to say that working again has sucked, because my new job provides great coworkers, the privilege of relative autonomy, a good salary, and even interesting projects. But (as you can probably tell by my total inactivity), this is a classic case of a “good” work life completely displacing the rest of my life. I thought writing this blog and taking time off would somehow train me to protect my other roles as human from the role of “worker,” but that hasn’t been the case, and it makes me sad.  

The week before returning to work, I was riding my bike and chiding myself for not having totally changed my life during my time off.  “Going back to the same industry that I’ve complained about for years. How lame.”  But suddenly I was overwhelmed with how nice the afternoon wind felt after having worked out at the park, and how happy everyone looked as they strolled on the street. I felt the undeniable truth that my life is, by any measure, awesome.  If it amounted to nothing more than this, not only would I feel OK with it–I’d already be so, so lucky. 

It’s one of the greatest feelings I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve tried to hold on to that in the months since.  It’s not easy.  I often focus on all the “shoulds”…this office is not where I should be, I shouldn’t be playing this demeaning game again, my life should be more balanced.  These are legitimate feelings.  But I recently ran into this triggering [paraphrased] thought by

Venkatesh Rao

:

“Most people who [want to maximize income in order to stop working] do so by unconsciously [deciding] to not like working. They are working for fuck-you money (or what is almost the same thing, fuck-you fame) same as boring careerists and second-rate entrepreneurs solving for an “exit” rather than the next level of their mission. Working to stop working. A finite game. 

Once you decide to like work, and solve for both quality and quantity to make it sustainable indefinitely, it becomes obvious that solving for maximum revenue OR for maximum “status” as indicated by bill rate is a very dumb thing to do.

This is a blog about hating work, goddamit, and I will keep it on brand! But…

I’ve got to admit it: a lot of people who have “escaped” still play status games, still engage in performative busyness, still buy into the bullshit, and still burn out.  I can’t help but wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to accept myself as an office stiff, learn to blunt the inherent indignities that come with that, and let myself be happy.

This sounds like hard-core copium, and maybe it is. I’d still love to abolish work.  Seeing people quit their job is one of life’s greatest pleasures, only topped by the pleasure I feel when I quit.

But this blog has also taught me that the “energy” of Big Quit Energy comes from, above all, quitting the coercive stories in your own head.  And if you have to (or even CHOOSE to) make your money in a chump job, the ultimate shamelessness is not to feel shame at that either. 

How do I balance acknowledging that striving for change may be good for me with accepting how things are now and being happy anyway?  It’s a tricky balance.  As I get my feet under me and hopefully acclimate to this next chapter, maybe we can explore it further.