Big Quit Energy is important to me. It gives me a sense of purpose, and it’s often very fun too. Yet, just as often, it stresses me out.
For example, when I think about needing to be “scheduled” and “consistent” to keep people’s interest and justify paid subscribers’ generosity. A need which Substack, the algorithm-boss (maybe the worst kind of boss) is happy to reinforce. Or when I think of “the backlog”: all the posts and series ideas I’ll never get to. It makes me sad to know I won’t finish a sizable percentage (let alone all) of them.
I used to see my other creative projects this way too: a backlog, bearing down on me with guilt. I had this constant feeling that I was behind on a deadline, a Gigantic Cosmic Deadline.
How did I stop thinking about my creative projects this way? It was a gradual process, but it consisted of two main shifts:
I began looking at the process as the reward. Doing a project for the growth and joy of doing it instead of the validation and opportunities from finishing it feels like less of a chore. Gratification is immediate and I don’t worry about being “on schedule” according to some career story I’m telling myself.
I quit telling myself a “career story” about my creativity. I see it as a life practice instead–the practice of going to the proverbial playground and playing with my friends (external collaborator friends, inner artist child friend…both are cool). At the playground with your friends, you “achieve” nothing. You create, tear down, go home for dinner, do it again tomorrow. It’s also a practice I get to enjoy NOW, even if in small chunks. In that sense, I already “made it.” I already get to do what I want to do, and there’s nowhere else to be.
All the writing on Big Quit Energy is free to the world. But!--if it resonates deeply enough that you want to support it with bucks, you can subscribe for perks here or you can also contribute a one-time donation.
You can also pitch in (and look cool AF) by gifting yourself or a friend some Big Quit Energy in the form of sweet swag. Your support will go toward the site’s bigger projects, including producing our slacker film, “Sirena: a drag on America.”
And remember to check out BQE’s companion podcast, “Friends with Big Quit Energy,” where we have in-depth conversations with people who have some BQE in them.
So, looking at Big Quit Energy:
I’ll admit it: the genesis of this blog was a career-driven attempt to build a public profile so that I could make creativity a “career.” These types of motivations are fine as nudges (I’m certainly glad they nudged me to start and meet you all), but they’re inadequate for long-term sustainable fun.
Even doing BQE for its own sake doesn’t resolve the angst of getting to all the ideas I have for it before the GREAT COSMIC DEADLINE. This is because I’m still thinking of the blog as a series of achievements to be checked off. No. I must think of it as another way to play with friends. The game of creating, yes, but also the game of healing and disarming the obsolete stories we carry inside.
Here’s to hoping that, by writing this, I consciously make BQE as fun as it deserves to be. Thank you for indulging me, and I hope it helps you have more fun with the (non-coerced1) activities you care about.
For coerced activities, such as work, there are arguments for and against tricking (gaslighting?) yourself into making them feel less miserable, while we get around to abolishing the institution. I’m still sorting out my feelings around that.
Last week , a comtempary of mine passed away. She was a long time blogger /writer and in her last years she struggled with her health and had to crowdfund for rides to the doctor and as a contemporary this sent me into a mini panic - I don't want the same thing to happen - It was like an internal tantrum because I don't want to be forgotten - but what control do we have over that. Can't I just write to write and activate to activate and who the fuck cares who knows or who likes . I used to love blogging - back when it felt more like a community. Now it feels so disjointed.
All of that rambling was to say - that I found your post helpful as a reframe
Amen, brother, amen. I have the same feelings around my newsletter. Sometimes it feels like play and I revel in the fun. Sometimes I worry about my I am not growing faster, getting more likes, getting more comments and so on. For now, I have gotten to a pretty good emotional place: this is for fun. It allows me to exercise some creative muscles that I don't get to use as much in other aspects of life. If it grows, yay. If it doesn't, that's okay. Like you wrote, L. Vago, the point is the doing. Or as the Bhagavad Gita says, you must do your dharma, your sacred work, but you have no control over any fruits of that work.